ah, the questioning

so i'm writing in lowercase because my caps lock key is driving me nuts. i love the imac slick keyboard and all, but i can't write a cohesive sentence if i'm always wondering why i click the caps lock and it's not making the letter bigger, aka the caps ain't locking. still, i'm beyond glad i have this sucker. now i really need office, because the textedit tool or whatever it is can hardly read .rtfs. i really don't want to buy it. i hope someone can hook me up with a copy.

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i already downloaded a bunch of movies from karagarga. xiu xiu the sent down girl. a documentary called tribute that can't get released because of music copyrights. and another one that the av club recommended called driver 23. not sure why that and the accompanying atlas moth went out of print, but oop = downloadable guilt free. the first johnny wadd movie from 1971, a vhs rip that has all kinds of 70s retro scratches and amazing furniture in all the houses and sets. before all the clothes get ripped off, you wonder how much some of the gear would fetch at some hip vintage store. i'm not sure if exhausted is still obtainable on dvd, but i do think it's pretty cool that i talked over email with, technically, two porn directors, the second being julia st. james, who i don't think ever did any porn (jamie gillis being the other, who's also a quite popular actor... i wrote a weird poem about my emails to j.g. which is in an older redivider). but she directed exhausted, which is great, and the commentary's pretty awesome too. oh, and the original the dirk diggler story, which i fast forwarded through a bit, and yes, it looks like shit and was certainly edited on two vcr's. but i'll watch it. it's short.

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i had this insane dream today after sleeping less than i'd hoped because of the heat. i set my alarm in the other room, and when i was afraid i was going to wake up jess as i was tossing and turning, i went into the office / guest room and slept there. my alarm was set for 9:45 so i could get some grading done and eat breakfast and whatnot, but for some reason i was in the kind of waking dream, where i heard the alarm but dreamt vividly about it. i was in my room in my house in western pennsylvania, and i started going nuts, trying to smash everything i thought was the alarm. when i thought i found the source, i took something like a screwdriver and smashed it, some kind of clock radio thing. well it started smoking and caught my hand on fire, so i was doing anything i could to stop it, but wrapping it in covers and dousing it with cold water didn't help. then my eyes opened, and i faintly heard the damn alarm and shut it off. it's always a test i think if you can remember your dream, and that was a bizarre real-time dream. we just got a coffee maker and i had some last night before hell's kitchen, and i think that may have been a reason. blake butler's been battling insomnia lately, and i have to say, i don't feel worse than when i've gotten little sleep. i'll take headaches and stuffiness and colds all day long. but without sleep i can be insane. maybe it does help one's writing. but i'm not sure if i want to test the depths.

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i've been in contant with some folks at schools where i tentatively want to apply for a ph.d in the later winter. everyone's been extremely nice and helpful. i hope that continues. i really want to get back to school. i've had some shitty experiences in academia, sure, but the great things far outweight the ridiculous experiences.

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the book's going out to a few contests and a few open reading periods tomorrow. onward. send it out, don't think about it, and keep writing new stuff. or try to at least. that's what needs to happen.